Parents Keep Baby's Gender Secret: Would You?

on May 24, 2011 at 5:16 PM

boys in wigs To borrow a quote from Lady Gaga, 4-month-old baby "Storm" from Canada was born this way ... we just don't know what way that is, exactly. Storm's parents, Kathy Witterick and David Stocker, made the decision to keep Storm's gender a secret from everyone except the baby's two siblings (both brothers), a close friend, and the midwives who were present for the birth. Sorry, grandma!

That's right, the already "unconventional" parents (Stocker teaches at an alternative school; the couple's sons are unschooled) are not sharing baby Storm's sex with anyone for the time being, "in a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation." Witterick and Stocker think it's "obnoxious" how many choices parents make for their children, and want to shield Storm from society's messages about gender roles for as long as possible -- ideally until Storm is old enough to decide for him/herself what he/she wants to be.

Okay. I'm not judging what Storm's parents are trying to do -- I get it, I really do, I even think it's kind of a cool idea. When my 5-year-old son gets into my eyeshadow and his big sister laughs and says, "Boys don't wear makeup," my standard reply is "That's not true, David Bowie wore makeup." I'm not set on raising a manly man and a girly girl. I agree with the argument that our culture pigeonholes kids before they even know who they are, not just gender politics-wise but in terms of all-around personality. Labels are bad, fight the power!

I am, however, afraid that in an attempt to make Storm's gender a complete non-issue, Witterick and Stocker are going to end up making gender the defining issue of that child's life. If by some chance Storm was going to grow up to be a transgendered person anyway, then this would definitely be good preparation. But assuming Storm is going to identify with whatever sex he/she actually is, then all of this seems like just a well-meaning way of inadvertently giving a kid a complex where there wouldn't have been one in the first place.

Would you keep your baby's gender a secret?

Image via Arkansas ShutterBug/Flickr

About the author Jacqueline Burt

has written for numerous magazines, newspapers, and websites. She is easily bored and often tired, so she requires constant entertainment to keep her awake. Dance, Monkey! Dance!

Filed Under: baby development

Comments (31)

Facebook comment from Kimberly Virga

on May 24, 2011 at 5:43 PM

I agree- I personally don't know how to feel about people who are transgendered or have gender identity issues, and I try not to judge them, because I obviously don't understand. But... it seems to me that they are possibly giving their child a gender identity issue for SURE by doing this. I have a son and I have a daughter; my son plays with her dolls and she is interested in his cars and vice versa, but I wouldn't encourage my son to play with dolls or put on makeup OR paint his nails pink or whatever, and same for my daughter. I don't know... the sentence, "until they decide what to become/be" really bothers me. It's been decided- you are born male, or female. I don't really think you can change that, as much as you try.

Report this comment

kisses5050

on May 24, 2011 at 5:46 PM

I remember dressing Huck in gender neutral clothes and people would say "what is it?" I would say " A baby" they would get flustered and say "No is it a boy or a girl?" I would coyly say " Of course".

Nonmember comment from kyree

on May 24, 2011 at 6:23 PM

Why hide that they are boys obviously if they pose as girls people are gonna know you have some ugly ass daughters

RhondaVeggie

on May 24, 2011 at 6:56 PM

I suspect it has a lot to do with the parents being older; 38 and 39. All the people I know who have had kids at that age do weird things like giving them unpronounceable names. I don't know if it's because they were quirky enough to wait until they had a far lower chance of getting pregnant and a far higher chance of birth defects or if the fact that the could be dead before the kid is old enough to complain makes them care less about the consequences but there's definitey a connection in my experience.

Whatever the reason, I'm betting it's mostly for the attention. Probably going to start fishing for a reality series any day now.

SicTransitGlori

on May 24, 2011 at 8:23 PM

I think it's a brilliant sociological/psychological "experiment". Whether you realize it or not, society limits by our gender. I don't think that they'll be able to keep it a secret for long, but if they can raise their child in a gender neutral environment for a few months then go for it.

PonyChaser

on May 24, 2011 at 9:47 PM

It's one thing to raise a child in a "neutral environment". It's a complete other thing to not even tell him/her what gender he/she is!! Whether these parents like it or not, that child is either a boy or a girl. That will always and forever be a part of his/her identity. Does that mean that, if he's a boy, he can only play with firetrucks and guns, and only like the color blue? Absolutely not. But to not even discuss the issue, to completely ignore the gender of the child, that is robbing him/her of an integral part of who that child is. it's like ignoring the color of the eyes, or ignoring the fact that the child has feet.

If they want to raise Storm in a 'gender neutral' environment, fine. Tell friends and family to only buy gifts that are gender neutral. Like teddy bears and bicycles.

What do they plan to do if they keep this charade up until potty training? Will they teach "him" to sit, regardless, because boys and girls both sit? Or will they teach "her" to stand, because that would be going against gender stereotypes?

Ridiculous. They are doing more harm than good.

Nonmember comment from lucille

on May 24, 2011 at 9:52 PM

@KBW2,at least know what you're talking about before calling other people idiots. Society does, in fact, determine gender. Gender is a social construct, sex is determined by genetics. I'm not agreeing with what the parents are doing, but they are challenging socially constructed norms, not the sex of their baby.

Nonmember comment from guest

on May 24, 2011 at 10:49 PM

gender and sex are two completely different things. do your homework commentors. SEX is determinded by chromosomes and GENDER is determined 100% by culture. Study the culture of Brazil or Thailand or the Phillipines and you will see that they have more than male or female gender roles. Sex does NOT equal gender.

lilelvengirl

on May 25, 2011 at 1:10 AM

I don't understand not telling anyone whatsoever, instead of just asking people to understand that while said child is a {whatever gender}, s/he will be treated neutrally. It takes androgyny to a whole new level.

Facebook comment from Jak Cast

on May 25, 2011 at 7:27 AM

It's interesting because if you read the article, the older 2 boys are allowed to shop in the girls' section and grow their hair long. Apparently both wear pink and have long hair, but one boy admits that it upsets him to be taken for a girl and wants to express his masculinity, wants his parents to tell others that he is in fact male, and this issue has kept him from attending a traditional school (a school system his parents deride). To me this says that the conflict is not child vs. society, but is child vs. parents' expectations. My guess is his parents encouraged him to explore traditional roles of the opposite gender/sex to the point that he felt this was their true desire for him, to which he complied to the point of social discomfort. I wonder how they will keep the sex of Storm a secret for long without elaborate plans to keep him/her from running naked across a room as toddlers love to do. I wonder what messages young Storm will retain about the "secret" nature of genitals and gender.