Lesson 16: Quiz 'Exactly *How* Bad of a Parent Are You?'

Baby 41

If you have kids, you’ve probably caught yourself wondering, “Am I a terrible parent?” and “Would my children be better off raised by wolves?” Luckily there’s an easy way to find out just how terrible of a parent you are using this highly-scientific new quiz that I just made up. 

Give yourself one point for every time you can answer “yes” to the questions below:

  • Is your child’s first name an initial because you got bored when filling out the birth certificate?
  • If you ask your 8-year-old to bring you a mixed drink, will they show up with anything other than Kool-Aid?
  • Have any of your children been eaten by bears?
  • Is your child a werewolf?
  • Do you find yourself replacing neighborhood puppies that your child has eaten?
  • Does your child want to grow up to work on the pole? (Assign no points if your child just wants to be a firefighter. Assign double points if your child wants to be a “sexy firefighter.”)
  • Do you worry that you don’t spend enough quality time with your child because the prison’s visiting hours interfere with your gambling schedule?
  • Have you ever left your child in a sinkhole for their own safety?
  • Are they in one right now?
  • Did you just find yourself saying, “OHMYGOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT I LEFT JACKSON IN A SINK-HOLE”?
  • Did you immediately follow it up with “Wait ... Jackson? Was that his name? ... Jackster? ... Jackyl? Would I name a child 'Jackyl'? I was on a lot of heroin at the time. Huh. What the hell was his name?” 
  • Did you name your child Jackyl?
  • Did your mommy ask you to do this quiz for her because she’s “too drunk to do math right now”?
  • Is your child currently on fire?
  • If you answered "yes," did you stop this quiz to douse the flames or did you tell your child to hang on a minute because you don’t want to lose track of your points?



0 points: Congratulations! You are an excellent parent. Or you are a compulsive liar. Or you’re too high to keep score properly. One of those.

1-3 points: You’re probably a fine parent. Unless you let your child become a werewolf. That’s just irresponsible.

4-16 points: Wow. Very impressive. Print this out and show this quiz to your local Child Protective Services to redeem your prize.

Over 16 points: You are too drunk to do math. Please ask your child to assist you.

humor, motherhood


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

butte... butterflymkm

In all fairness children don't choose to be werewolves. Lol.

jenni... jennifert39

lol too funny! love it!


Joyce Stafford

OMG I love you! Your the whole reason I come to this site!

Procr... Procrastamom

Hey!  My kid's name is Jackyl and I think she likes it.  I can't ask her right now though, because she's on fire...in a sink hole.  Wait, no.  Her name is A.  I got tired of filling out the birth certifi...

Ryan C. Robert

I got 0 points! But also I don't have a child. Is that considered cheating?

Erin Sahul

I have twins, they are both werewolves. According to them, they sneak out at night when I am asleep and go hunting. Thier words, not mine. Also, one of them is named Jackson, but he wants me to call him X "because it sounds like there is an x in the middle". Shit, I am a terrible parent.

nonmember avatar Julia talis

Nothing like a bit of humour to remind us how hard we can be on ourselves. If I was't afraid of waking the werewolves I would have laughter out loud!

nonmember avatar June

I don't have any children but I could consider it a total success if I raised a pole dancing werewolf named Jacky..that would be pretty awesome.

nonmember avatar Handflapper

My kids ran off a long time ago, so I answered the questions about my dog. . . Not sure if my score indicates I'm an excellent canine parent or that my dog is going to chew my face off while I sleep.

1-10 of 41 comments 12345 Last