Lesson 16: Quiz 'Exactly *How* Bad of a Parent Are You?'

If you have kids, you’ve probably caught yourself wondering, “Am I a terrible parent?” and “Would my children be better off raised by wolves?” Luckily there’s an easy way to find out just how terrible of a parent you are using this highly-scientific new quiz that I just made up. 

Give yourself one point for every time you can answer “yes” to the questions below:

  • Is your child’s first name an initial because you got bored when filling out the birth certificate?
  • If you ask your 8-year-old to bring you a mixed drink, will they show up with anything other than Kool-Aid?
  • Have any of your children been eaten by bears?
  • Is your child a werewolf?
  • Do you find yourself replacing neighborhood puppies that your child has eaten?
  • Does your child want to grow up to work on the pole? (Assign no points if your child just wants to be a firefighter. Assign double points if your child wants to be a “sexy firefighter.”)
  • Do you worry that you don’t spend enough quality time with your child because the prison’s visiting hours interfere with your gambling schedule?
  • Have you ever left your child in a sinkhole for their own safety?
  • Are they in one right now?
  • Did you just find yourself saying, “OHMYGOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT I LEFT JACKSON IN A SINK-HOLE”?
  • Did you immediately follow it up with “Wait ... Jackson? Was that his name? ... Jackster? ... Jackyl? Would I name a child 'Jackyl'? I was on a lot of heroin at the time. Huh. What the hell was his name?” 
  • Did you name your child Jackyl?
  • Did your mommy ask you to do this quiz for her because she’s “too drunk to do math right now”?
  • Is your child currently on fire?
  • If you answered "yes," did you stop this quiz to douse the flames or did you tell your child to hang on a minute because you don’t want to lose track of your points?



0 points: Congratulations! You are an excellent parent. Or you are a compulsive liar. Or you’re too high to keep score properly. One of those.

1-3 points: You’re probably a fine parent. Unless you let your child become a werewolf. That’s just irresponsible.

4-16 points: Wow. Very impressive. Print this out and show this quiz to your local Child Protective Services to redeem your prize.

Over 16 points: You are too drunk to do math. Please ask your child to assist you.

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