Lesson 15: The Ten Best Reasons Why You Should NOT Eat Your Baby

Jenny Lawson
Baby
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Okay ... really?  You saw the title and clicked over to find out exactly why you shouldn’t eat your baby, didn’t you?  Honestly, I’m a little disappointed in you.  You don’t need an article to tell you this.  Babies should never be eaten.  Because they’re adorable.  And very fatty. 

But I can’t blame you because I was looking at some of the top stories on this very website and they were like “A Good Case for Pepper Spraying a Second Grader,” “World Penis Size Map Is Hard News to Swallow,” and my personal favorite: “Horse Semen Milkshake … Is It Worth the Calories?”  

Some people might say that this type of writing is just plain sensationalism but the truth is that it’s the exact same thing you see when CNN is all “ARE SANDWICHES TRYING TO KILL YOU?  Find out at 11.”  Sensational headlines sell and that’s why when you become a parent and start blogging (this is mandatory, by the way) you’ll need to start practicing writing great titles to really catch people’s attention. 

 

Examples of not-so-great headline writing:

89 blurry pictures of my cat (who just died this morning)

I hate Mondays

Let me tell you about this dream I had last night.

I think I made an 86 on that test I was studying for. 

Please vote for me so I can win the chance to win a coupon!

This entire post is an ad for wet-wipes but I got paid a box of wet-wipes for it so please send it to everyone you know or I will take it as a personal affront

 

Examples of great headline writing:

And that’s how I ended up in a Singapore prison.

And then I screamed “HORSE VAGINA!” 

If someone is trying to sell you a sex tape of me, please don’t buy it.  My hair looked awful that day.

A video of my baby taking a bubble bath with hedgehogs and baby pugs while my cats sings a parody of Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”

 

Examples of sensationalist headline writing:

It’s 10:00.  Do You Know Where Your Children Are?  We Do.  THEY’RE IN JAIL.

On Average, Half of All Children Are Better Than Yours.

Breastfeeding Your Child Too Much Will Turn Them Into Sociopaths

Not Breastfeeding Your Child Enough Will Turn Them Into Bears

Are Your Teens Using Cat Fur To Make Pipe-Bombs?  The Answer May Surprise You.

One in Ten Children Misplace Their Own Legs Out of Sheer Carelessness.

My Wife Wants To Divorce My Wife!

THE ONLY WAY TO TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK IS BY USING SEVERAL EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!

Woman Orders Steak.  Is Served Her Own Stolen Placenta.

Tattooing Your Fetus While Still In-Utero … Cute New Trend or Horrific Abuse?

Is Your Babysitter a Zombie? It’s More Common Than You Think.

Is Baby Shampoo Made of Babies?  Are You Willing To Take The Chance?!

New Parents in Shock as Baby Girl is Born Without Penis. 

The New Celeb Diet:  Eat all the moths you can catch.

WORST (fill-in-the-blank) EVER!

The Ten Best Reasons Why You Should NOT Eat Your Baby 

'Nuff said.

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