I had the opportunity to talk about crying it out on NYC's local WPIX news today for their "Mom's the Word" segment. It's a topic I am very passionate about -- very passionate against. I do not believe in letting your baby cry it out. Not for 30 minutes. Not for 10 minutes. Not at all. Babies don't manipulate -- they don't have wants, they have needs. And as a mom of 16-month-old twins, I have to help them with their needs whether they need a diaper or need to be held. Babies cannot speak, so crying is the way they communicate. If your baby said, "Hey mom, can you hold me? I just had a bad dream and really need you to tell me it's going to be okay," would you ignore your child?
I believe that if we ignore a baby's cry, it's like we are turning our backs on them. It's like we are saying their needs don't fit into our busy lifestyle. That our beauty sleep is more important than them. Ignoring isn't going to train your child to sleep.
Have you ever cried in a room alone while your husband was in the other room ignoring you? How did that make you feel? Babies and children are people, too. They have feelings.
I believe if we let a baby cry it out, we are in fact training them not to trust us. We aren't teaching them how to soothe themselves and we certainly aren't training them to sleep. Crying only raises the cortisol levels in our bodies, and that is the stress hormone. Crying it out can lead to attachment issues and emotional disorders. Child psychologist and author Larry Balter agrees; he was also on the panel for the debate over crying it out.
I think it's also important to remember that it's going to be many months before a baby sleeps through the night. Some moms think baby's born, baby comes home from hospital, baby should sleep through the night. This is just not true. A baby lives in your womb for 9 to 10 months with all their needs being met, having a constant food source. It also takes a child 9 to 10 months to "externally gestate," and they need to eat every 2 to 3 hours up until the time they decide to sleep through the night. It's different for every child. Having twins I saw this firsthand. My daughter slept through the night faster than my son, who still often wakes up. When he does, I go to him, soothe him, and we're all back to sleep sometimes within 10 minutes. That's surely more restful than listening to him cry and everyone getting upset.
These are my feelings on crying it out. Dr. Balter supports my feelings. But I know not everyone does. Ellen Meister, mother of three, believes in crying it out. She let her child cry it out when she was a baby, and also did it when she was 7 years old. Check out our lively debate on the topic:
How do you feel about crying it out? If you do support CIO, where is the research that says CIO is a good thing? Why do you think it worked for you?
Image/video via WPIX
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Comments 92
I had a woman tell me that she does CIO because she doesn't want her baby impacting her life at all. Not because she thought it was best for her baby, or anything of that nature. It inconvenienced her to have to wake up at night to care for her child (she is a SAHM too). I don't believe in CIO ever, neither of my sons CIO or have ever CIO and they both go to sleep on their own at night. I do still have to wake up with my younger son at night sometimes, but I don't mind too much. There are plenty of gentle and loving ways to teach your babies to sleep in their own crib at night that don't involve them feeling abandoned.
no offense, but your kids are 16 months old...how exactly do you know what the long-term affects of your decision is??? i let mine (10, 8, 6, 3) cry it out (for under 15 minutes or so when I knew all their needs were met). it taught them how to sooth themselves down. they are happy and well-adjusted kids who know that i am there for them whenever they need it (i'm sure most of that is not attibuted to these one situation anyway). i understand that they are people and have needs BUT they can also pitch a fit and need to be told that's not how to get things done around this house.
we co-sleep. there's no crying at night in our house unless one of the kids is sick.
my youngest is 1, I have a 3 year old son, and a 7 year old daughter, and no one in my house cries themselves to sleep. I wouldn't even let my 17 year old cry herself/himself to sleep. I can not ignore my instinct telling me to go to them, and that's what I do. When we become parents, we have to learn our needs do come last, that's what we signed up for... that means a full night's rest, getting other things done, etc... it is what it is... my investment in my child's life is more important than getting the laundry or dishes done... I might get frustrating sometimes, but it won't make me turn my back on my child. That's just how I feel. You brought up an excellent point, I would be extremely hurt if my husband heard me cry and said, "well, if she's still crying in a half hour, then I'll go see what the problem is" that's BS!!! And I wouldn't let my kids feel so all alone either. Self soothing does not need to be taught at such a young age. Kids learn coping skills with working things out with mom and dad, having a strong support system, having good examples in their lives., etc. Crying yourself to sleep every night does not teach self soothing!!! it just teaches them that you aren't going to come so might as well give it up... it seems to me you teach them to detatch emotionally. either way, I'm not gonna do it to my kids! I live my life for them, not the other way around!
I feel very strongly that every child and every family is different, and as parents, we have to make decisions that work for the whole family. We did use some controlled-crying with my daughter, mostly because we were all exhausted. (By the way, she was an "older" baby, about 6 months, when we did it.) She's now a joyous, trusting, thriving toddler, and we're a much happier family for the sleep that we all get at night. As for research, I don't think there is reliable research out there that either supports some controlled-crying methods or that actually supports the claim that all CIO methods are traumatic and damaging. Most of the research that I have seen is based on studies of children who are left for HOURS at a time to cry without being soothed. It does not support the notion that children left for short periods of time with their parents close by are traumatized. My sense is that my daughter is happier, because I am a more active and engaged mother now that I get a good night's sleep at night.
Go Michele! Spread the word!
I have to say that the host didn't hide her animosity for conflicting opinions well. She came off very forceful and rude.
I have three kids, one is almost 4, one just turned 2, and one is two months old. My heart would break if I had to listen to my baby cry himself to sleep. I felt the same way with my older two when they were babies. At two, my toddler is in a phase where she is testing to see if we'll keep coming in, I know this, and I still try my best to get her to sleep without any crying. I want my kids to feel safe and happy, and to always know I'm there for them. Letting them cry themselves to sleep does not project feelings of safety, love or trust in my opinion.
Good job Michele!!