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There's a lot of confusion as to exactly what Attachment Parenting is. Is it natural parenting? Some hippie movement? Helicopter parenting? Parenting influenced by Dr. Seuss?
Perhaps those who are AP spent some time in Seussville along with their reading of Dr. Sears. Yes, the birthday guy, Dr. Seuss, has one single quote which I think sums up the idea of AP easily:
"A person's a person, no matter how small."
That quote, from Horton Hears a Who! could sum up attachment parenting as a whole. The real, true focus is that of respecting children -- even newborns -- as people with valid and complex emotions, who need respect, understanding, and love.
The reason something like "cry-it-out" is not an AP tenet is because we believe that a child who is crying is using their voice -- the only thing a baby has -- to ask for something. I'd be crushed if I asked my husband to cuddle me and he told me I needed to learn to not want him as much. Attachment parents believe that the idea of "warm, dry, and fed" doesn't give enough credit to babies. Besides, it's generally disrespectful to tell a person to be quiet because their basic needs are taken care of. Why do people do it to babies?
This also holds true for feeding. If you are capable of breastfeeding, you will, because it gives the child you've brought into the world the best and because the method of feeding also promotes the necessary closeness that babies deserve and require. But even if you can't breastfeed, babies should still be cuddled, loved, and paid attention to for the duration of the feeding. You should bottle-feed like you're breastfeeding -- in other words, no bottle propping, and cuddle, cuddle, cuddle!
This quote also applies to discipline. The path to teaching children to be loving, empathetic, and respectful adults is to treat them that way, whether they're asking to be cuddled when you want to do dishes, or trying to figure out the source of their behavior so you can help them work through it rather than just punishing the outlet they chose.
While many things like breastfeeding, babywearing, and cosleeping can end up not being ideal for many AP families, the most important thing about it is what Dr. Seuss says: A person is a person, no matter how small.
And every single person deserves respect, love, and caring, even when it's not convenient or scheduled, and things you wouldn't do to the oldest of people shouldn't be done to the youngest either.
What do you think of the Dr. Seuss quote? Does it suit your parenting style?
Image via Perry Marco/Flickr
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Comments (62)
Thank you for that post, it is amazing. I was at my playgroup today and one mom was usnig the Ferber method with her son and has stopped nursing him during the day because she doesn't want him to stop using bottles. As she told me how her son cried for a total of an hour the first night of Ferber then two half hour sessions the second night and then only 15 minutes the third night, I was so sad. I could see how the baby was losing trust in his parents but she thought it was great that she was getting more sleep. I think I am going to bring your article next week and just leave it out of people want to read it.
Thank you
I'm not married to your husband. But if I told MY husband that I wanted to cuddle when he should be working or studying he would tell me sure....as long as I don't mind living on the street because he was cuddling with me instead of providing for his family.
The more I read these explanations about AP..the less I think it even exists. It's just a name for something that most parents do anyway. I don't know any parents that follow ALL of the AP guidelines, and I don't know any parents that don't follow ANY of them. We're all in the middle somewhere. For instance, I am the mother of twins. Am I more AP when I breastfeed and less AP when I bottle feed or supplement with formula? More AP when I co-sleep but less AP when I don't drop the roast on the floor and run because one or both are crying? More AP when I sing to my girls but less AP when I bottle prop one so that I can get the other dressed?
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Oh, and that tricky working mommy thing. Now we're allowed in the AP club, but there was a time when you couldn't be considered AP if you worked outside your home. And that's all it is to me, a club of women patting themselves on the back for doing what they're supposed to be doing in the first place. And a club that, no matter how much I have in common with it, I don't want to be in. I'm a mom and a parent and I'm sure as hell attached to my kids. As lovely as Dr. Sears is, I don't need him to tell me that.
Love this!!
While I believe in what Dr Seuss is saying in this quote, i also dont think a parent is being disrespectful to their child if they choose to let them cry it out. As a parent our job is teach our children many things. One of those things(IMO) is how to themselves feel better when they can. My children were all left to cry it out at one point or another(not sleeping wise for the most part because mine slept through the nite practically from the nite they came home) and they are all wonderful adjusted children who know their father and I love them very much and that we would do anything for them! They also know how to deal with things on their own and when they need to come to us for help. They are 10, 7 and 4. I dont think they lost any trust in us and I think what they gained will serve them well in life!
Thank you for putting my thoughts in order for me CoolRelax! I was having a had time putting my thoughts in order as iv been in the hospital with my 11 month old for flu and pneumonia for 3 days and were headed into 3 more, haha! And, really sometime a child actually just does have to cry it out, especially if a situation get to frustrating, stressful, overwhelming or to exciting for them. sure hold or comfort your child but let them cry, because if you think about it, its just the equivilant of having a friend hold your hand while YOU cry out your frustrations
If you're comforting your child while they're crying, it's not "crying-it-out." That term refers to ignoring your child while they scream in the other room. Sometimes you can do everything you can think of to comfort your child so they will stop crying but nothing works...the point is that you're trying. That first post above where the parent let their child cry for an hour literally horrifies me. I cannot conceive of ever letting my daughter cry that long for any reason without even trying to make her feel better. That's just awful, and it breaks my heart.
As to the Dr. Seuss article above, I think that's awesome :-D Sums things up perfectly. I consider myself an attachment parent for the most part, although I don't practice all of the "core principles" as Attachment Parenting International lists them. (I, too, have no desire to join the "cool kids club", I'm just parenting in the way that works best for our family.)
I let my oldest son "cry it out" because my husband at the time thought that was best he wasn't allowed to sleep in our bed or anything like that. That being said my oldest HATED to be held from the day we brough him home from the hospital. I remember the first week of having him home I was sleep deprived and he cried and cried and I tried everything I knew and was sooo frazzled so finally I put a blanket on the floor and laid him down and walked away...crying stopped instantly. He kept that behavior up forever. He is 15 now and him and I are very close and he is a pretty decent kid (except he is very independent and likes to argue with me haha)
My 2nd son was not a big cuddler either, although more so than my first. I did let him cry some, and didn't the rest. He has a different dad than my first son who is not hardline and we do what we think is right. He has co-slept some, had his own bed for awhile. He was raised on the line between AP and non-ap lol. He is 7 now and I think the neediest of my kids, but also the most emotionally reserved.
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My daughter was AP. I got soft in my older age or maybe it's because she is the only girl or maybe because she is my last child (had my tubes tied right after he). I breast fed her until she was 2 (she would have breast fed forever if I let her), she still co-sleeps and she is 6 (my husband works out of town so it's not that big of a deal and she will sleep in her own bed when he comes home). She NEVER cried it out. She is a lot like my oldest who was raised completly opposite.
I think AP parenting has merits and so does non-ap parenting. Just like babies are using their words when crying, sometimes their words are I am bored entertain me and that can wait until the dishes get done. I also think the TYPE of baby/child they are makes a big difference. My oldest would have never tolerated AP, not even for a second, I would have had to fight him tooth and nail. He just prefered to be left alone. My 2nd son only tolerated so much, he is still not a cuddler which he gets from me because neither am I. In the same case my daughter would have freaked out if I let her cry, she loved (and still loves) being held and cuddled. I don't think there is a WIN method of parenting, I think it's about listening to the kids and doing what is right in the moment, because what is right one moment may not be the next. Just my opinion.