If I Had My Baby on a Soap Opera ...

Lauren Flynn Kelly
5

It's no secret that I'm a TV addict. More specifically, I am a soap junkie ... and something of an expert, having worked at Soap Opera Digest for five years, so I could tell you a lot about wacky pregnancy stories.

Prime example: This week on One Life to Live, Jessica (far r.) was devastated to learn that her dad switched her paternity test results to hide the fact that the father of her newborn baby was really a notorious womanizer with whom she had a one-night stand while she was suffering from amnesia and thought she was a 17-year-old virgin. As Jessica was about to marry Brody, the man she thought fathered her child, it was also revealed that the child her twin sister Natalie (near r.) had just given birth to was the product of her one-night stand with Brody, who thought he'd lost Jessica forever. Got all that?

Pregnancy on soaps is never easy and also never very realistic, which is why I'm glad my baby was not born on a soap opera. But if she had been ...

I would learn about my pregnancy just weeks after reuniting with the love of my life, which also happened within a two-day span of a one-night stand I had when I was certain I lost said love.

At 32 weeks, I would go into labor in a snowstorm in a cabin, and my arch rival would deliver the baby, which would be a 15-pound, rosy-cheeked bundle of joy with a full head of hair and a pacifier in her mouth.

My baby would be immediately taken to the hospital, where it is determined that she has a rare blood disease and only the blood of a family member can save her. Ruh-roh.

Forced to admit that I'm not sure who the father is, a paternity test is ordered on both potential dads and, of course, one-night stand guy is totally the baby-daddy.

While recovering in the hospital, my baby is kidnapped. Everyone assumes my nutty arch rival took her, but it turns out it was actually my alternate personality, Tauren.

Once the baby is safely returned to the hospital, a second paternity test proves that the father is neither guy but a bartender Tauren slept with while on a cruise. How, you might ask, is it possible that Tauren was on a cruise at the same time Lauren was gettin' busy? Simple. Tauren bribed the sonogram tech to lie about the due date.

Now that the truth is out, Tauren can go back to hiding deep within my psyche and I can finally take care of my baby, who will be raised off-screen by a nanny and emerge three years later as a teenager.

The End.

Do you have a favorite soap pregnancy story?

 

Photo via Brian Bedder/Getty

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