It seems like we are living in a culture of two kinds of moms. There are the perfect moms, those women who manage to bake pies, plan activities and crafts and braid their child's hair perfectly straight and without mess. Then there are the "other moms" who can't manage to send the thank-you notes, bake a darn thing or get our children's hair out of their faces. The latter half earn the title "bad mom" or at least we tend to call ourselves that.
Stephanie Thompson is the latter type of mom. As a parent in Brooklyn, where parenting is an art form parodied in books like Prospect Park West, Thompson sees her fair share of perfect parents. Last week it was the rush to get ready for the holidays. This week it is something else. Thompson, who take a much more realistic view of parenting, though still calls herself a "bad mom" has one piece of advice for the rest of us: RELAX.
And oh how welcome that advice is. Because we do all need to just CHILL OUT.
Look at the comments section of any parenting website (CafeMom, included) and you will see hundreds and hundreds of comments calling people bad moms, saying they should not have had children and blah, blah. It is exhausting.
The cult of parenthood has made us all insane and the holiday season often brings out the worst. It is all I can do to finish all my baking, decorate the tree, buy all the gifts for the kids and teachers/cleaning ladies/sitters/husband's staff and make my from-scratch gingerbread house (my one nod to Martha each year), all the while knowing that the next major holiday -- my daughter's birthday -- is less than a month away.
So this came at a perfect time. Relax, indeed. Whose standards are we trying to live up to? Those moms who would judge us and say mean things? Some people may be happy trying to achieve perfection, but for most of us, just loving our children and embracing the chaos that comes with them is enough.
So my daughter's hair is not always perfect, her clothes do not always match and she sometimes throws fits in public places. My husband and I are happy, we are in love and we have two beautiful children we adore. The rest of the details don't really matter.
I am relaxing my standards at the tail end of this holiday season -- and well into next year.
What do you think of this advice?
Image via Flickr/MelB.
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Comments 59
Sounds like great advice. I need to learn to relax and not worry over every tiny detail. :) I think this "bad mom" has it right.
i try to relax, but it is so hard to just let go of things, little by little is the key.
I am the other mom and it is hard..I wish I could relax and just enjoy and not obsessive..I admire you greatly. And maybe this year I can try to just sit back and let it flow.
THANK YOU!
I think that is a perfect sentiment. For some people though the word relax just isn't that easy, its not the way we are wired. I know I can't relax in the truest sense unless everything is put away and clean and tidy and baked and perfect..But I NEVER tell others I think they are bad because they do things differently..Its not my place to judge others just as I don't generally blink an eye at the judgements other pass onto me..To each there own..Lord knows I wish sometimes I didn't feel like everything needed to be just so just for me to be able to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning.
Oh I am SO the "other" mom ... I love to bake and cook and refused to give it up because I had a baby and boy am I paying for it now ... RELAX? What is that word? I think that page was inadvertantly removed from my dictionary! I think the relaxed mom's have it made ... the rest of us that are OCD are constantly running our tails off ... either way, I think both sides think the grass is greener on the other side ... but once we get there we'll realize that where we were is where we were supposed to be in the first place ... it fits us and people and we'll end up back there - maybe not completely but at least in part! Hope everybody had a Merry Christmas (or other holiday you celebrate ... or don't celebrate!) and that you are fitting into your own groove!
I used to try to be a "perfect mom". I was a stay at home mom, making dinner from scratch, trying to "teach" my 6 month old things, cleaning the house endlessly, and try to make myself look gorgeous. We were living paycheck to paycheck and I was so stressed out by all the other moms at my MOMS group that I was miserable to live with. I decided I needed to go back to work, for myself and my family. My daughter is thriving at her "school" at 15 months old and I am LOVING my job. Yes, we may be eating frozen dinners more often than I would like, and my house isn't clean (picked up, yes, but not clean) but I am spending more quality time with my daughter now than I was when I was at home with her. I guarantee those "perfect moms" are stressed out to the max trying to put on a show for the rest of us. They need to relax and we need to let them know that no one cares that they're "perfect".