Diary of a 4-Month-Old Baby

Amy Keyishian

play mat
no seriously WHOA
It’s awesome when science can reproduce what moms already know. It just makes it easier for us to boss people around. In the latest installment of "oh really?!" is a new study from the University of Rochester that says babies have definite preferences about what they want to look at starting around 7 months.
They’re calling it “The Goldilocks Effect.” Babies like stuff that’s not too predictable, but not too surprising, either. They want stuff that’s just right. Why? They don’t want to “waste cognitive resources” on stuff they already know or that’s beyond them.
Sounds about right. So I have been having my 4-month-old keep a diary of her thoughts and experiences to record her preferences. Let's take a look into her mind ....

Day 1: The Blue Bouncy Chair
Oooooomg this thing is boring. Wait, what’s that? Cool, a big bar over my head. Oh! Neat! A thingy hangs down. What happens if I pull on -- AUGH!!!! WTH was that noise? Okay, I’m going to try pulling on -- AAAAUGH!!! It happened again. Gah. All right. All systems are go. I’m going to pull on this -- AUUUUUUGH!! Okay. Let me see what happens if I ... uh. I’m hungry. HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY.
Day 2: The Mat
Haha I like this. There’s a thing on the ceiling that goes around and around. Whoa. Heavy. That thing really goes. That is so cool. Round and round and WAIT WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OMG I’M ON MY TUMMY WHY AM I ON MY TUMMY?!?! My face my face MY FACE IS IN THE BLACK AND WHITE DOG YOU GUYS STINK SERIOUSLY I’M CALLING THE COPS THIS IS aahhhhh ceiling fan hi.
Day 3: The Car Seat
Day 4: The Blue Bouncy Chair, Variation
Flower. Flower. Flower. Crinkle crinkle flower. LIGHT. Flo -- what the heck? Oh it’s that person who’s bigger than me but way smaller than my mom and dad. What’s up, that-person! Your face is really close to mine! Can I have my flower back? HAHAAH THAT TICKLES oh crap I can’t breathe HI MOMMY! Where’d that person go?
Day 5: The Co-Sleeper, 3 a.m.
Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Hi! Sure, num-num is great. Mommy! Mommy! Let’s talk! It’s dark, that’s funny! Mommy!
Day 6: The Mobile
This thing sucks.

Day 7: Daddy
Where'd he go? Oh hi! Wait, where ... Oh! Hi. God dammit, where'd he ... hi! What the heck, he was just ...hi! Oh man, this guy never seems to ... oh! Hi. HUNGRY.

What would your kid write in her diary?

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