There is a big difference between a sanctimonious know-it-all Judgy Mommy (JM) and a Breastfeeding Warrior (BW).
One will tell you there's only one right way to do things. The other will let you decide what's right for you and then fight tirelessly to make sure you get to do it.
Guess which is which?
I live in Massachusetts where we have the highest breastfeeding rate in the country and it's rising everywhere else as well.
This is in no small part due to those of us who are willing to fight for breastfeeding rights even at risk of being accused of being a JM.
Here's the difference:
- A JM says: "There should be a worldwide law mandating breastfeeding."
- A BW says: "Let's figure out a way to make breastfeeding more accessible for everyone."
- A JM says: "There is no reason all women can't breastfeed."
- A BW says: "There are some times where breastfeeding just does not work."
- A JM says: "You only breastfed to one year? My kid was 5. That's the only way to be."
- A BW says: "It's awesome that you're breastfeeding no matter how long you go."
- A JM says: "You need to sleep next to your baby and nurse them constantly. Your exhaustion and bad mood are much less important than their health."
- A BW says: "We need to find the balance between your happiness and your baby's."
It's the BWs of the world who have made breastfeeding more accessible and accepted. We have to be out there fighting because there's an enormous amount of misinformation, bad advice, and judgment. Breast is best, but only if it's best for the whole family. A Breastfeeding Warrior knows this. She knows there are extenuating circumstances that make breastfeeding impossible.
She also understands that there are some women who don't want to, plain and simple. She doesn't shame for them for that.
If the end goal is more breastfeeders, why not focus on the women who actually want to do it and make sure there are laws in place for them to do it safely and without repercussion? Why not make sure everyone is educated about the benefits of breast milk and then leave it at that?
I will defend your right to breastfeed until your child is 6 years old, but I will just as quickly tell the person implying you're a bad parent because you chose not to to zip it.
It isn't JMs that move us forward, but BWs.
Did you ever feel judged about this?
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Comments 62
I am really renewed with the sense of equality (and how wrong this journal post and the one just like it are) when I see comments like-
"Lets get this out - Rana you ARE a JM"
And "Seriously, you breastfeeding psychos need to get off your high horses and GET A LIFE!!! "
The thing is that, really, EVERYBODY is judgemental. Sure, maybe it's 'judgy' to say 'Why do you want to feed your kid formula? Do you realise how bad it is?' It is ALSO judgy to say that a person who might say that is psychotic, has no life, and feels superior. The difference is in intent and perception. Reality is so many people take a legitimate 'Warrior' comment as a judgemental one. Saying something like 'You should try to bf for at least the first year like the AAP reccomends' is taken as ' I think you are a horrible parent for saying that you are only going to bf for (3,6,9) months. I bet you don't care if your children die'- when that is HONESTLY not what is being said or implied. cont-
cont-
When a JW says something like "There should be a worldwide law mandating breastfeeding.", what's the intent? To get people to do the best thing out there. Sure. To FORCE them to do the best thing out there. They want "the best" even if they think (tongue in cheek perhaps) that you should be forced to do it. Bad, judgy comment sure. But the intent to have "the best" happen is sincere.
What is the intent when a judgy person says "Seriously, you breastfeeding psychos need to get off your high horses and GET A LIFE!!!" ? To help? Or to belittle demean, put down? What REALLY is gained by calling another parent 'judgy'? Does it change anything? Or does it result in MORE negativity MORE name calling, more mud hurling?
I haven't seen a SINGLE thing that RanaAurora has said that is judgemental NOR bitchy!!!! Everyone calling her judgemental are the judgemental ones...HOW DO YOU ALL NOT SEE THIS?? RanaAurora is a very well read, intelligent, kind person who wants to spread knowledge and help people. It's not her fault that some people take what she says as offensive...that's THEIR deal. Please re-read what she has said..none of it is judgemental or bitchy. She has helped so many people with her knowledge! If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have known about extended rear-facing, not wasting my money on baby-food, and LOTS AND LOTS of breastfeeding SUPPORT.
Women want to express their feelings towards breastfeeding and formula feeding to HELP women. If it wasn't for RanaAurora and the other supposedly "JM" women, I wouldn't have breastfed my daughter for almost 4 years. She never once told me I was stupid, or lame for any of the STUPID decisions I made before I WAS INFORMED of the more intelligent, wise choices.
THANK YOU RANA :) I love all your information.
An opinion IS a judgement, just in case anyone is confused about the definition, go ahead and look it up.
Impossible to form an educated opinion without judgment.
and no, I don't ever come on here, and people like Beth whatever her name is are the reason why, lol, talking about OTHER moms being judgey, LOL.
KatieP. I think it is super awesome in your judgement free zone that you have felt comfortable to call out Rana, not once but TWICE as a judgy mom. And it really drives home the point when you throw in the word 'Bitch'. Yes, Rana most definatly is the one that is over the top judgy and needs to back off the bitch meter.
As for why I didn't comment on the comment it was because I didn't have any other information to offer her other then what had already offered. I hardly think it's a bad thing to continue to discuss the article.
Whoops. Sorry I do realize that it's NOT a journal. My mistake.
When someone calls another mother lazy and/or selfish for no other reason than because that mother doesn't breastfeed, WITHOUT even knowing the reasons, or even if they do know the reasons and still pass judgement, that leads me to the conclusion that YES they DO need to get a life!! If a mother asks a question about breastfeeding, by all means ANSWER but if she asks about formula feeding, unless you have something useful to say, and you just know you're going to go off on your self-righteous "WHY DON'T YOU BREASTFEED FORMULA IS POISON" rant, keep your trap shut. It is none of your business and your snotty attitude and rude put-downs are only going to make you look even MORE foolish and set back your "cause" even more.
What you are saying now, or should I say , yelling in caps, isdifferent than what you said before , bethsunshine.
The problem is I have heard too many formula feeding moms CLAIM they were being insulted, and then when I go back and read through, I clearly saw the bfing mom was just giving advice.
We are all different which makes interacting with each other challenging at times. Some people, like Christie, deal in facts while others are more concerned about emotions. Neither way is wrong. It is simply what makes us different. Maybe if we all put more effort towards being mindful of these differences we could avoid misunderstanding each other.
As a mom who does things differently than most, I do feel that my ways are "questioned" more than the average person. Usually it is done in a condescending "why the hell would you do that", sort of way where the discussion turns to me defending myself.
While formula feeding moms may feel attacked online, they are just as guilty of making moms like me feel like I am making things harder for myself. Like others have already pointed out, this issue really goes both ways.