There is a big difference between a sanctimonious know-it-all Judgy Mommy (JM) and a Breastfeeding Warrior (BW).
One will tell you there's only one right way to do things. The other will let you decide what's right for you and then fight tirelessly to make sure you get to do it.
Guess which is which?
I live in Massachusetts where we have the highest breastfeeding rate in the country and it's rising everywhere else as well.
This is in no small part due to those of us who are willing to fight for breastfeeding rights even at risk of being accused of being a JM.
Here's the difference:
- A JM says: "There should be a worldwide law mandating breastfeeding."
- A BW says: "Let's figure out a way to make breastfeeding more accessible for everyone."
- A JM says: "There is no reason all women can't breastfeed."
- A BW says: "There are some times where breastfeeding just does not work."
- A JM says: "You only breastfed to one year? My kid was 5. That's the only way to be."
- A BW says: "It's awesome that you're breastfeeding no matter how long you go."
- A JM says: "You need to sleep next to your baby and nurse them constantly. Your exhaustion and bad mood are much less important than their health."
- A BW says: "We need to find the balance between your happiness and your baby's."
It's the BWs of the world who have made breastfeeding more accessible and accepted. We have to be out there fighting because there's an enormous amount of misinformation, bad advice, and judgment. Breast is best, but only if it's best for the whole family. A Breastfeeding Warrior knows this. She knows there are extenuating circumstances that make breastfeeding impossible.
She also understands that there are some women who don't want to, plain and simple. She doesn't shame for them for that.
If the end goal is more breastfeeders, why not focus on the women who actually want to do it and make sure there are laws in place for them to do it safely and without repercussion? Why not make sure everyone is educated about the benefits of breast milk and then leave it at that?
I will defend your right to breastfeed until your child is 6 years old, but I will just as quickly tell the person implying you're a bad parent because you chose not to to zip it.
It isn't JMs that move us forward, but BWs.
Did you ever feel judged about this?
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Comments 62
Jeanne -- what is she is ONLY referring to people who didn't want to? 25% of moms in this country never initiate breatfeeding. Isn't it possible that's who she was referring to?
Like I said, the majority of conversation is not how something is said, but how it's received... and I think that's the biggest problem here. People choose to be offended when nothing offensive is said. That seems to be the ongoing theme lately, and I'm trying to figure out how people of "my type" (since it's divided that way, apparently...) can still share information, can still correct misinformation, can still help people, can still share knowledge -- including dangers -- and not be told we're crap because of it.
If you've got a view on that that doesn't sacrifice facts and truth, I really, really, honest to god, WANT to know, because obviously, it's a huge struggle for tons of people, and really upsetting for others.
If I see that your doctor is telling you to supplement because your baby has jaundice, how am I supposed to tell you that's not true and actually prolongs the jaundice without being attacked? When someone is pondering weaning at 8 months, how am I supposed to help encourage them to breastfeed and point out some of the potential risks, without being called a bitch?
Please, help me with this, because it's obvious that it's not easy to figure out how to help someone without offending them WITHOUT sacrificing truth or facts.
I'm being honest here, and I really hope you see that.
Judgy Moms make it hard for formula feeding mom's (who failed at breastfeeding x2 and still hates myself for it) fear making any friends or giving a bottle in public.
I have heard and been through more judgment and ridicule as a bottle feeding mom then I ever did as a breastfeeding mom.
I live in MA too. =)
I agree that women need to be careful about what they say and how they say it. The women you are talking about, JM's, are really not that common but do a great deal of damage to the cause. It's annoying to have to see them come around and undo all the work you have done to help a mother. These are the women that make ff moms stop listening. A little tact will get you a long way, you can believe and feel however you want to but still be able to help moms with kindness, compassion and understanding. If you lack those things you really have issues beyond the realm of breastfeeding, this will carry into all parts of your life.
I really feel that most mothers who toot the benefits of breastfeeding do so out because of the fact they care! They want other moms to have these wonderful experiences and reap the benefits too! We want to be able to do this without being told we are judgemental. There are issues on both sides. Not just the side of lactivists aka BW's. Some women automatically say you are trying to make them feel badly by telling them about breastfeeding, things that can be difficult and how they may have been able to overcome issues they had for future reference.
Christie(RanaAurora), I agree with you whole-heartedly. It is hard to try to tell moms the risks without them getting up in arms. I would much rather know all the facts about something, both good and bad, before I go ahead and make a decision. I have been in situations where I have much regret because I didn't know, and honestly didn't even think to study up on because I thought it would just happen or already knew enough about, and had a bad outcome. I regret it, but I learn and grow from it. I won't let myself deny the facts because they make me feel badly. And they have, trust me.
Daynaof3, why do you think the moms don't know? The problem with the Judgy Moms is how often they treat other moms like they're too STUPID to do their own research.
Who says a mom didn't research before she decided that formula was what worked for her? Or co-sleeping didn't? Or any of the other piddly little things women get sanctimonious about. As Sasha said in another post recently, the majority of women are really trying to do their best. And they're making decisions based on what works for them -- which means they have MORE information than you do about their situation. Treating them otherwise is plain old condescending.
jeanne, if they know then that's good! If they don't I want to make sure they do. Why should that be offensive? Many moms don't know, many moms don't know where to go to find reliable info or that they even need to look it up. Just because someone doesn't know something or hasn't heard of something or doesn't even think of the fact they may need to research about it doesn't make them stupid. You said that not me. I am not for forcing anyone to do anything, I believe women are quite capable of making choices. I want to make sure they are informed choices, as a matter of fact that's what I do for a living. I am not just talking about the decision to bf or ff, but also the decision to continue or to stop. I help them work through their options and give them advice. They make the choices, not me. I beg to differ with making choices solely on what works for them. They are making them on what they know and what works for them. Sometimes what they know can make the difference in what works for them. Continuing below...
For instance, some moms don't realize that if they can't or don't want to pump for work they can still breastfeed while home. They think they have to do one or the other. If they knew they could do this that may make a difference in what they find works best for them. If they didn't know, they may pick an entirely different route because that's what would work best for them. Do you see what I'm saying.
It's fair to say that formula risks and breastfeeding troubleshooting aren't common knowledge.
I also, never heard a mom, even the most in your face lactivist , say any of the above things,with the exception of the first one.
Sorry, I call nonsense :)