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While on vacation in the beautiful wilderness (aka Lake Wallenpaupack in Pennsylvania), we needed to drive quite a bit to get ... well, anywhere. Something my husband and I -- parents of 9-month-old twins -- aren't used to since we live in NYC. It was challenging at times, especially with my Alabama in-laws in tow, but also a great time. On our last day, we went out to a diner for lunch and met a mom and her adorable 9-month-old daughter. We chatted for a minute or two before we sat down.
They were so cute at the table and the baby was eating little bits of food with her hands. I love seeing other kids the same age as my own, particularly because my twins were preemies and it makes me happy to see their progress is in tune with babies who are "on the charts."
We all left at the same time and they were parked next to us. I glanced into the mom's car and saw that her 9-month-old was being placed in a forward-facing car seat positioned in the center of the back seat.
The position was good -- center is said to be safest since it's away from the side of the car should there be an accident with side impact. But forward-facing wasn't the best decision.
And I have to be honest ... I don't know how much I would know about this if it wasn't for friends of mine who happen to know much more than the average person about car seats. But still, this is basic information that we should all be armed with. I know it's something a lot of parents don't think about as much as we should. But we should -- we need to know more. Because babies can't read manuals and safety guides to tell us how to best keep them safe. And there is just a lot of bad information out there.
I thought about telling the mom -- in the most friendly way -- how her daughter should be rear-facing until she is at least a year old and 20 pounds. Yes, that's AND not OR. But I was afraid she would have been offended. Maybe even would have told me to mind my own business or eff off. And she would have had every right to do just that. But maybe I should have just dealt with her wrath (if there even was going to be one) just to get her to think about it -- maybe do a little research on her own and learn that she should turn the car seat around.
But I didn't. And I feel terrible about that.
Car crashes are the number one overall cause of death for children 14 and under. Babies are especially vulnerable because their spinal column isn't set in the final position until at least 1 year of age, and since most serious crashes are head-on, a forward-facing seat could cause the baby's spinal cord to snap on impact. Some European countries even say a child should rear-face until 3 years old because it is safest.
And then last night I got another reminder that I should have said something to that mom. When I was on the phone with my sister, she mentioned how she needs to turn her daughter's car seat around soon. Her daughter is almost 20 pounds and almost 6 months old. My sister and I have had great misunderstandings about parenting things -- but I couldn't hold my tongue. So I told her, in a friendly, smiling while I talk so I sounded happy tone, that it's best to wait until at least 1 year even if Dylan is 20 pounds already.
How terrible is it that I felt bad about telling her something that could save her baby's life -- my sister and the woman I met in the diner? Why is it that we are all so overly sensitive about things people know that we don't know and should know?
If you need to know more or even just a refresher, these 9 Lifesaving Car Seat Rules You're Probably Ignoring will help.
Did you know about rear-facing and forward-facing car seat rules?
Image via RanaAurora/CafeMom
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Comments (34)
While I agree with you that infants that age should still be rear-facing, I actually think you did the right thing by not saying anything to the stranger. No one takes kindly to parenting advice, no matter how well-meaning. Maybe she would have said "Oh, I had no idea! Thank you for saving my baby!", but she probably would have muttered "Uh yeah, thanks" and called you a name when you walked away. Not that that would be appropriate, just more than likely. It's one of those things like breastfeeding. It may be better for a baby, but ultimately it's the mother's decision, and it would be rude for a stranger to approach her and tell her she should switch from formula. Obviously that's not a perfect analogy, but you know what I mean. Just say a little prayer/wish that the baby stays safe, she does some research, or a cop pulls her over and yells at her!
If I CAN help someone, usually I will try. And if they tell me to shove it, I just feel sorry FOR THEM for caring more about their ego than their child, and then I feel sad/scared for their child.
I try to help people as often as I can, but there are times when it just isn't in me... or when someone doesn't feel approachable, for whatever reason. It's not worth ruining my day to have someone else refuse to become a better parent, you know? It's okay to pick and choose who you try to help, and remember that it's NOT on YOUR shoulders.
In theory, it is better to say something and risk the wrath knowing that you did what you could. In practice, it is pretty effen hard! I see women with newborns in their seats wrong ALL. THE. TIME. I still can't bring myself to say anything. I feel guilty every single time.
Right, Pishyah.. Sad that WE feel guily for NOT saying something, but their own guilt (or lack thereof) doesn't eat at them enough to do the right thing!!
I tend to clam up, because I'll get flustered with so much information I want to spit out. I'm hoping to change that and hand out flyers that I found at The Daily Momtra!
I was totally clueless when my son was in car seats and just followed the rear facing until 1 year and 20 lbs. If I knew then what I know now I would have kept him facing back much much longer. I sure wish that some kind stranger had told me...
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." ~MLK
The reason we don't tell them is that we assume they know (most don't!) and are making an informed CHOICE to risk their child's life due to convenience or bad advice from a friend that they won't want corrected.
I can't do it, either, but Christie created some awesome flyers you can print and leave with people so that you aren't being pushy, but just leaving them with info that they can then choose to read or not. Some people might think that's more invasive, but I disagree entirely. It's more cowardly, yes, lol, but better than assuming that they know, being wrong and them crying after an accident, "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
Every single person who saw the child incorrectly placed and who said nothing is responsible for what happens in that hypothetical accident. By telling the parent, you are giving her a chance to make a decision she might not have known she had a choice in.
Though I know it, I don't know how to do it. I have issues talking with people as it is, telling them "you're doing it wrong" is something I'm not sure I'm capable of.
However, gentle phrases like:
"Oh! Did you know that the requirements for rear-facing were recently changed to 2 years and 30lbs and that you're supposed to wait at least that long as a minimum and it's actually safer in an accident rear-facing to the weight limit of the seat?"
Then they can say, "Yeah, I know," and you can back off without ever having been pushy or rude. You're giving them the benefit of the doubt that way. Or they can say, "No, I had no idea," and you can answer any questions that follow. It doesn't always have to be negative!
Just yesterday, I was walking to get Rowan from school and a woman was pushing a stroller with a baby in it, with the carseat snapped in. I noticed she had the headrest add-on and commented on it, really nicely and gently.
She said, "I used it with all my kids so I'm not really concerned."
All I said was, "Okay." Her logic... if you can even CALL that logic, was terrible and I was incredibly disappointed, but I let it drop. I just don't understand people like that.
The last time i tried helping someone who wasn't really a freind but more of just someone i talked to because i knew their husband in middle school and highschool. Her sons were horribly unsafe in their carseats, and i talked to a few people about the situation and they coaxed me to say somthing. I feel fine about what i did, but she deleted me as a friend after she read my message. Oh well her loss right? But atleast i know that i did the right thing in trying to help her keep her children safer when riding in a vehicle! If someone were to say something to me i would not be offended at all, when my oldest was younger i dind't know any better and turned her around at 1 year but that was the only mistake i've made with her carseat position and belt position. Tyler my 1 year old is staying rearfacing as long as i can get his dad to let me, which is atleast to 20 lbs and that will hopefully not be till after 18 months or longer!!!
Love those fliers. Part of the reason I didn't say something is because I don't know that much, you know? I'm learning too so I'm far from an expert, but I do wish I said something. Something! Sigh. Did I mention how I love the fliers?