I am a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, attachment parenting kind of mother. And to some people that is the biggest turn-off. And I don't just mean that they think I'll have my twins at the breast until they are 4 years old (and hey, if that is what I want to do and you have a problem with that, just turn up Yo Gabba Gabba real loud and I promise it will turn your mind to mush and you'll forget all about being annoyed).
Why it's a turn-off to some is because they believe that the kind of mother that I am is the kind of woman who has stripped herself of her former sex kitten. The woman who wanted to have sex with her husband every single night in their quest to get pregnant is gone. Dead and buried with the placenta.
And I say they are wrong. Well, for the most part.
They are wrong because the kind of sex you have every night when you are trying to get pregnant isn't the same kind of sex you had when you first started banging the man who later became your husband. It's just not.
And I can speak from experience that this is especially if you had been trying to have a baby for over a year. The timing of your ovulation cycle, the contorting your body upside down so every last drop of sperm stays inside you ... that's not the same coital and post-coital activity of the old days of doing it in a friend's bathroom during a masquerade party and your man still smelling the scent of you on his fingers all night.
Yes. It's just a tad different, I'd say.
And the same goes for sex when the baby (in my case twin babies) comes along.
First there's the no sex for six weeks rule. That flies by. Then it's the sort of back to reality but I'm still feeding them every three hours all through the night thing. And then you settle in to your new life as a parent, a mom, not a newlywed wearing lacy underthings and frilly panties. Instead you are a spit-up stained, nursing bra with wet nursing pads wearing, haven't had a cocktail in over a year kind of gal.
And it's just not sexy. But that doesn't mean sex is off the table ... even though it may be off the table because the table is now the family table and the babies' room has a bird's eye view to that table so it's off the literal table, but yet still on the menu.
I had a ahem dispute with my husband a few months back -- it was our great co-sleeping debate and he wasn't into co-sleeping with our twins past 6 months. He saw it as the ultimate cock-block. And lots of men do, too. Women as well. Some people might forgo these practices in order to keep their marriage alive. Some people don't have kids for this very same reason. But it's just not true.
Is our sex life as intense as last week's episode of True Blood's when Bill and Sookie went at it on the floor, face-to-face, sitting up style? Sigh. No. Not right now. But we all know that isn't every day sex. That's we got in a fight broke up and are making up now kind of sex. That's you were away for two weeks for work and I haven't seen you and the kids are with grandma kind of sex. That's holy crap we're on vacation ... alone ... kind of sex. That's 6 a.m. after a night out before you had kids kind of sex.
It's not okay I'm ovulating let's do it kind of sex. And it's not the kids just fell asleep my hubs has half a hard on and some lube, let's take it to the next level quick before they wake up kind of sex.
Sex when you are a parent, especially to babies, just isn't the same. But that doesn't mean it isn't hot or unsatisfying. It's just different. It takes more planning, but at the same time more spontaneity -- working around your baby's schedule. And for me, someone who really relishes in spontaneous acts of foreplay, it can sometimes make it kind of hard to go at it when my whim strikes. Which is mostly at the wrong time. But when the two meet, it's fantastic.
Husband just got out of shower, walks by nude, I get excited ... but the twins have to eat. Husband's arm grazes my bare thigh, I feel a tingle, we start kissing and one of the babies starts to cry. Three lullabies and a nursing session later and that tingling sensation is way gone.
But I'm not giving up. Or caving in. I'm a mom. My breasts feed our children and our bed is shared by all of us. But I am also a sexual being. My husband thought co-sleeping would kill our sex life, but who said that our sexual dalliances have to be between the sheets? I can't wait to go at it like Bill and Sookie on the living room floor. I'm looking forward to my vacation with the in-laws when we leave the babies with grandpa and go for a drive and do it in the car on a deserted road.
Sex after babies is akin to sex when you are a teenager, sneaking around behind your parents' back, trying not to get caught, being creative, only with a lot more lube and less worry about getting pregnant (sort of). Only your parents are replaced by the mini-yous in the crib. The teet suckers. The bed stealers. The most amazing little creatures your lovemaking could ever create.
And breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and attachment parenting doesn't kill the sex drive. In a way, it makes it stronger. It makes for more of a build-up, more thoughts of foreplay, more wanting, yearning, pining to be with your husband. And when all is aligned and you have that moment (or 20) to ravish each other's bodies, it's almost like the first time ever all over again -- the rush of excitement, the tickling sensation of your body being touched in places it hasn't been touched in a sexual manner in a long time -- it makes it all new, almost like you are a virgin, an experienced one, a sex kitten, not a former sex kitten. A mama sex kitten.
Image via lucyfrench123