Before the ink could dry on New York magazine's cover story, "I Love My Children. I Hate My Life," the fevered responses have been all over the blogosphere.
Two of my favorite articles present two very different objections to the piece that claims that having children really ruins your life, except for those moments when your heart is so filled up it could burst.
On Salon's Broadsheet we have "Joyless Parents: You're Doing It Wrong" by Gwynne Watkins where Watkins challenges the assertion that babies are the end game and we must DO EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT in order to win that game. In other words, Watkins suggests you should enjoy the ride because there will be no ticker tape parade once you've achieved parental greatness. Which actually does not even exist.
Attacking the assumption in the article that everyone "should" have children, or at least be bummed out because they can't or don't, Brett Berk asks a completely different question in Vanity Fair's "Why Have Kids?" After all, you have explanations for everything from home decor to adopting a stray dog, why do people never have an answer when you ask them why they want kids?
“I always wanted one” wouldn’t cut it as a rationale for buying an expensive purse, and “My instincts told me to” won’t even get you out of a traffic ticket, so why are these good enough for creating a new human life?
Both Watkins and Berk touch on the solution to this admittedly upper-class problem. One I've also recently discovered that allows me to focus on the thrill of being a parent without (constantly) getting down about the drudgery: perspective.
I fully admit to being an overwhelmed parent after my first baby was born. I mourned the loss of my footloose and fancy-free single life. I missed sleeping in on a Saturday, rolling out of bed only to join my friends at a boozy brunch. I recently left New York City, the place I truly felt at home, because my family needed a different quality of life that we could no longer afford as members of the creative class with two babies and a dog.
I wallowed in that for awhile, until I realized my baby was almost a toddler and my first baby was inching up into school age. This time, the busy time, the time of drudgery, goes by so fast.
Instead of being miserable in the present and looking back lovingly in retrospect (as the New York article suggests we do), I would much rather wallow in the amazingness of my luck, which includes living with the best husband and partner in the world and two beautiful, funny, happy kids. If that can't make me happy, well, I've got bigger problems than whether or not I can stay awake for the headliner at Irving Plaza.
Do you think babies ruin your life?
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Comments 10
Of course babies don't ruin your life, but they change it. I have a few questions regarding the baby-hating trend:
1) What is it about today's young people that makes it so hard for them to transition from being childless to being parents? Is it selfishness? Inflexibility? Inability to learn from one's mistakes? Unwillingness to ask for advice from those who have been there before? Disconnect from their extended families? Relative lack of childcare experience? Or what?
2) What is the agenda behind all these articles? Why do they want people to fear having children?
3) Why are everyday parents more willing to whine about the hard stuff than gush about the wonderful stuff? My kids are awesome, and they can't be the only ones out there.
My daughter has made my life better -- and me a better person.
I like how you think about things! To quote you: "Instead of being miserable in the present and looking back lovingly in retrospect (as the New York article suggests we do), I would much rather wallow in the amazingness of my luck..."
This is exactly how I feel. I feel so lucky to be a mom, that I have twins who make me laugh, and while I sometimes miss going to after-parties with my girlfriends, I really didn't want that life anymore ... which is why I settled down and had kids. Plus, I was getting way too old for the nightlife scene anyway. :) Though I don't regret a thing. Changing my course and having kids is the best thing that happened to me.
Well, yeah, babies will totally ruin the life you had before you had a baby - you certainly can't go back to being Number One in your life once you've had a child (or at least, let's hope you don't.....). My pre-baby life was shattered when my water broke.
But in no way is that a bad thing. I'm a much better person now that I'm not the star of my own show. I love more, forgive more, appreciate more, laugh more (sometimes to keep from crying more), and understand far more than I ever would have as a childless woman.
I fully believe that not everyone is meant to be a parent. And I fully believe some people are not whole until they have a child.
No......& it's a shame that people may feel as tho they do.....sad.
As a parent, my life has greatly improved. I save more money, I give more of myself, and I am a better person to be around. My daughter is the greatest joy in my life, and I am infinitely more happy because of her. Sure my life has changed, but it is for the better.
Life is what youmake it, truly. It is easy to allow parenthood to be the scapegoat for why your life sucks, but really... that ideology is so out of touch with reality. There are SO MANY options nowadays for mothers (and fathers) that really (as awkward as this is to say) you cant almost live a lifestyle that is like you don't have a child (if that is what you want).
I love having a child and my life with one. I wish I could have more.
Life is growing and changing as you go, not being stuck doing the same old thing every day.
I have to say that if someone doesn't want to have a child, then they shouldn't. If they don't want the one they have, I'll gladly adopt it! :)
This author obviously needs to meet women who can't have children or problems having children and get a true idea of what having a baby means. Because she should consider herself fortunate.
nope