Everyone Sees My Boobs & Other Motherhood Surprises

Photo by Michele Zipp
has surprised me in many ways. But there are some things that no parenting book could have ever prepared me for.

With a twin on my boob and the other having a very stinky diaper changed in the other room by daddy, I made a list of some unexpected things that came along with my mom title. In my head. And I actually remembered most of it.


1. Sometimes I like the smell of my baby's poop. Perhaps this is the same thing as not minding your own farts. Speaking of, all our farts and poo smell the same now.

2. There have been poops that have nearly made me vomit. I learned that I shouldn't be changing a diaper with a mouth full of cereal. Scratch that off the multi-tasking list.

3. I never thought I would use the words "cute" and "penis" in the same sentence.

4. My husband and I have a new language and the words include "choo choo," "cha-chee," "penew," and "wee wee" -- all referring to ... well, you know.

5. I've picked boogers out of tiny noses and handed it over to my husband to throw away. We may have even flicked one or seven on the floor.

6. I'm overjoyed that someone loves my singing voice. Two someones -- my twins.

7. Everyone has seen my boobs and I don't care. Except my father-in-law.

8. I stopped wearing lipstick, something I never thought I could do, because I don't want to get it on my babies when I kiss them.

9. A golden shower is not just something done in dominatrix studios.

10. When my son pees on me or my daughter spits up on my clothes, I just rub it in and go on with my day.

11. I value every drop of my pumped breast milk as if it was a golden ticket to Wonka-land or wherever Johnny Depp is with chocolate. Someone accidentally dumped my breast milk and I went into a rage. (My step-mother-in-law doesn't know how mad I was so don't tell her.)

I'm sure as they get older, this list will grow ... just like they are -- too fast. I want to freeze time. Take in every moment. My heart hurts in a good way just thinking about them and now my nipples are leaking, too.

I'm not alone, right?

Mamas-to-be, check out My Vagina & 9 Other Things I Miss Most During Pregnancy -- I still miss six of the things on that list.

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