The Great Co-Sleeping Debate

106

crib
Flickr photo by inottowa
The other night I left work a little earlier than normal to be home for a feeding instead of staying late to pump.

I got in position, my twins at my breasts, I took a deep breath in, out, and had a sip of water. Life was good.

Then hubs called out from the kitchen, "Can we talk about something?"

"Sure."

While messing with the recyclables, he mentions for the umpteenth time that he thinks it's time for the babies to sleep in their own room. They currently shack up in the co-sleeper beside our bed.

I did my usual bit -- gave him a big smile and said, "Nope. Not yet."

But hubs wanted to convince me it was time. He said, "No more silly smiles about this. They have to move into their own room."

My heart! A flash of my babies lives went before me. Cut to the first time they go off to school. The first time they slam their bedroom door in my face. The first date. The day they move out of the house.

I'm not ready to deal with this now, not at almost 4 months old.

"They are too big for the co-sleeper," he said.

I wanted to suggest that we move the crib into our room, but I knew that would just make him angry. But I still did a good job of that even without saying it.

My response: "I have to nurse them in the middle of the night -- it's less disruptive for everyone if they are right next to me. Plus, I work all day and I miss them. This is the only time during the week that I can be close to them."

"But they are sleeping!"

"But they are right there next to me. I need to feel that closeness, it builds bonds."

(Yes, I really said that.)

"We talked about this," he said, voice getting LOUDER, "we agreed that we both need to work. Are you saying you don't want to work?"

My higher-pitched voice started now, "That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm simply saying I don't want to move the kids into their room."

Then I started telling him about what I read in Dr. Sears' The Attachment Parenting Book and how c-sleeping is good and I am pissed he hasn't read the book even though I gave it to him the last time he spent some time on the throne in the bathroom and he cuts me off saying the book he read says to move the babies in their own room.

So I tell him that he shouldn't believe everything he reads and he cuts me off again and says neither should I. Touche.

"But my maternal instinct tells me that I want the babies to sleep next to me!"

I stopped short of telling him that he should just sleep in the nursery.

By this time, I've worked myself up. The twins, who were trying to breastfeed, have both slipped off my nipples are were squirming. I felt my heart beating fast, anxiety kicking in.

We go to bed. The twins and I. Hubs stayed up for I don't know how long. No kiss goodnight. Bed. Mad.

We barely spoke the next morning, though he did make me eggs before I left for work. I have no idea how to resolve this. The line has been drawn and we are on opposite sides.

How do you handle it when you and your husband disagree on parenting issues? When did your baby move into her own room?

bonding, sleep

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Pishyah Pishyah

Who cares for the children most of the time? With SAHMs, most of the time, I say mom wins out. For almost everything, the primary care provider should make the final decision, IMO. Sure, you should talk about it, research, and try to make the decision together but when that just isn't working, PCP wins. I, of course, vote for co-sleeping, as long as it is done safely. I also vote for you to shove that crib in the room, beside the bed, and tell him to sleep in the nursery. That's not the best marital advice, though. LOL! Follow your instinct, hun.

NANA21 NANA21

Tell him you will do it at 6 months and that is just how it is going to be. I mean what is the big deal in his eyes? Geeze...it is safer to do it until at least 6 months. Good luck.

NANA21 NANA21

PS---They will only be babies for such a very short while, 2 more months is not going to hurt anything.

sstepph sstepph

I cant give up co sleeping with our son, he's almost 20 months but i love it and it comforts him.. plus we're still nursing so it's just easier.

Ravis... RavishingMama

I co-slept (crib in our bedroom) with my son for over a year and with my daughter for almost 8 months. They are now sleeping in their own rooms and I still miss them. I didn't feel safe without being able to hear them breathing. I did try to put my son in his own room at about 6 months but with nursing but it really interrupted my sleep and I was working at the time.

Hubby wasn't always happy about the situation but I realized that he was just wanting some attention so we worked out some alone time for us, even if it was just for an hour or so. That really helped since he was getting jealous of my time spent with the baby.

RanaA... RanaAurora

I'm sorry you guys are fighting about this, Michele. My hubby wanted Rowan out of our bed and it causes some arguments a few times too (we even had one fight over CIO). I finally just told him, "Unless you are going to work on the transition, go get him every time he wakes up and bring him to ME to nurse, and deal with any crying, we're not doing it. YOu are the one who wants this, I think it's more hassle than it's worth and will even add more stress for me. I'm not going to force something that I don't want to do and don't think he's ready for."

Obviously, your hubby probably wouldn't like that either, but seriously... he's GOT to respect that YOU are the one who has to feed them during the night, and trust me when I say that the difference between getting up and walking to a room and just holding a baby next to you is HUGE. Your ability to go back to sleep is changed IMMENSELY. Sometimes co-sleeping couples sleep in different beds even. I know you guys don't want that.
It may just take some time and a few arguments to get him to understand that right now this is one of those moments where YOU need HIM to respect YOUR choices. This affects you more than him a million times over, and he really does need to just respect your choice. Does he have a REASON?

ethan... ethans_momma06

I would like to pipe in hear and mention that co-sleeping reduces the risk of SID's. So this isn't really just about maternal instinct, or doing what is most convienient- it really is about what is best for baby.
You don't really say WHY he doesn't want them co-sleeping... maybe it's time to discuss that? I think that sitting down and talking about who really has the greater need here might be important. Take the time to think about it and write down your reasons, so you aren't caught off gaurd (which is generally what happens with me). Tell him that you need to decide what is best for your family as a whole and listen to what he has to say. In the end only YOU can decide what is best, but I think talking about it instead of avoiding it might actually help him realize that co-sleeping (at least for right now) is what is best for you, for the babies, and in the end- for him as well.

sodapple sodapple

Kathleene moved to her bed when she was around 7 months old, she was litteraly sleeping with us, i kicked her out of my bed out night because between her and hubby i didn't have any space to sleep. we moved her to her room when she was over 1 she wanted to watch tv at night with us and i didn't want that. hubby was the one to fight about not moving her to her own room but it was necessary. by the time she was 7 months she was just bottle fed and waking up once at nigth so i didn't mind. if she was breastfeeding i think i would ahve kept her longer in our bed. With that said you should do what its best for you even if hubby wants to kick them out =-)

lovin... lovinangels

ok, i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this has nothing to do with sleeping and everything to do with the sex. At four months, it probably hasn't returned to it's former frequency, and breastfeeding twins, your hormones are playing a big part of this.
Hubby looks at the little ones as a major, well, cock block.
If you make time to work on your intimacy at other times, he might be more likely to give a bit on the cosleeping. I'm just sayin.

Ems629 Ems629

OY! We had the same "debate", though I only had one baby to nurse in the middle of the night.Physically walking into another room to feed her was simply not an option. My sleep schedule was already in the toilet, and DH not lending a hand. Crabbing about "his needs and his own sleep interruptions" turned me into the Nutty Nurser. Nursing twins is hard work, and getting up to feed two is even harder.Tell him that soon they won't be feeding in the middle of the night(and it will be soon) and the discussion may re-open at that time. They really don't get it, Michelle, no matter how cool and sweet they are.New parenthood makes 'em act like petulant kids themselves.The previous poster lovinangels has a point too, though at 4 months in the last thing I wanted to do was get rowdy! lol.

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